I went to see the latest adaptation of the Millenium series, “The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo,” and I found it oddly relatable, minus the murder mystery, rape, and Hollywood budget, of course (lol). That may be a joke, but there is some truth to it; the book/movie is about a writer/journalist who is hired to investigate the murder/disappearance of a young girl in the 60s, and he ends up working with a very…eccentric girl.
Now, really the only things I have in common with this plot is that I somewhat identify as a writer, and I have a preference towards more eccentric women. This is a loose similarity at best, but my point is that whenever something you relate to comes along, it often leads you down a very long, winding path of self-reflection and thought.
Unfortunately, this movie ultimately steered me towards feelings of loneliness and a longing for a worthwhile story of my own to tell (although I’d prefer one with less death and rape and horrible crimes). In all honesty, a lot of things lead me down this familiar thought pattern, so I’ve had a lot of time to think about it all.
Essentially, I just feel lonely. I’m not very outgoing, and actually tend to be a bit of a cynic with a predisposition towards convincing myself that nothing will work out the way I’d like it to. I haven’t always been this way, though, and it’s actually knowing that I haven’t always been this way that intensifies these emotions, I think. I just had a very bad romantic experience during high school that has left me with a few emotional and psychological scars; time heals all wounds, but scars don’t always fade.
I’m just very reserved, awkward, and probably too concerned with what people think. I’ve put some effort towards resolving these issues, even going so far as to seek professional help, but nothing ever really seemed to click.
So I’m left with this desire to fix things, on top of the desire to have what my problems are keeping me from having (that being the chance at a stable relationship), and yet I’m left to wallow in my own self-pity.
But am I blaming anyone else? Hell no. I know that these are my problems, and that I’m the only one that can overcome them. It’s just that my biggest problem is my tendency to subconsciously invent reasons as to why I should never pursue anyone, which in and of itself is a hard problem to fix when the very problem itself is keeping you from solving anything…I hope that makes sense. I create scenarios in my head as to why it’s not ‘logical’ for me to try making a connection with anyone.
I never really get depressed or sad in the conventional sense; I don’t mope, cry, or complain (although these last few paragraphs do seem pretty damn whiny), but I do recognize when I don’t feel happy. I usually just withdraw and keep to myself, and start wishing that something amazing would happen to me: something that will change everything…something that will turn my life around and not only help me overcome my problems, but also satisfy the desires that my problems are keeping me from. It’s definitely a lot to wish for, and perhaps I really shouldn’t be worrying about it so much. Perhaps.
This is why I found myself relating to, or rather trying to relate to movies and stories like “The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo.” I just want something to happen to me that will help me get over all my bullshit. Something interesting. Again, though…not exactly like that particular story.
We’ll see, I guess. I apologize for how miserable all of this sounds. I’m not a depressed person. I just have the misfortune of knowing two specific pieces of information: what I want, as well as why I can’t have it. I guess I’m just scared of everything happening all over again…but that doesn’t seem so wrong, does it? I’m not demanding that my problems be fixed for me, nor do I think that someone else is to blame. I’m just not doing anything about it right now because deep down, I’m scared. However, I don’t want to be scared anymore; I’ll probably always be a reserved guy, but I want to be brave enough to make that connection when I see it.
Thanks for reading.
(Ironically, I never even got to see the end of the movie; the fucking fire alarm went off when there was about 20 minutes left until the end of the film. lol.)
